the passover chronicles

Yontif is coming, I can feel it in my bones. Really, I can. Like in my shoulders, my back, my arms, and my neck. I spent an entire afternoon with my head in an oven, for non-suicidal purposes, I dragged ten bags of newspapers, boxes and old toys out of my basement. I spent half a day scrubbing the area behind my garbage can, where you can see exactly what happens when your sons try to make that long shot into the can from halfway across the kitchen, and it rebounds off of the wall. I’m not really finding any bread, but, you know, a lot of Pesach cleaning has nothing to do with bread.

Here’s my list of stuff I need to get, right away. Incidentally, this is based, not on what people will eat, but what they will run out of at the grocery store first.

1. Jam, in any flavor that isn’t gross. No pomegranate and lemon, no kiwi currant, no mystery berry that crunches under your teeth. I just want strawberry.
2. Ketchup. Which one is the least terrible, does anybody remember? Why don’t I write this stuff down from year to year?
3. Tomato sauce. Why do they run out of this? Don’t they know that this time of year, everyone is making matza lasagna? I just don’t get it.
4. Ricotta cheese. See number 3.
5. Those cake mixes with little pans in them. They taste like matzo meal and sugar, but who cares. So cute!
6. Fake barbecue sauce. By the fourth feast of the holiday, I will have run out of ideas of what to do with chicken.
7. Quinoa. Why there is a run on this stuff that no one will eat the whole rest of the year is a mystery to me, but I gotta have it in my house. Maybe I’ll even use it.
8. Those pretty mousse cakes in the freezer section. They may taste weirdly chemical, but they look nice on the table after a big meal, and sometimes, that’s all that matters.
9. Kosher for Passover half-and-half for my coffee. If I don’t have it, I’ll die. I mean that, literally.
10. That awful Passover cereal. Do I go with the Magic Fruity Loops? The Fruity-O’s? Cocoa Crappy-Os? Count Crapula? Is it just me, or do they all sound vaguely pornographic? Anyway, it doesn’t matter which one I get. They all suck.
11. U-Bet chocolate syrup. It’s not Passover without it. And those other kosher brands don’t count.
12. Chocolate or chocolate chip macaroons. If I don’t snatch those up in the first days, I’ll have to choose between odd flavor combos like mango pina colada and walnut banana bread. Why do they even make those? It’s a macaroon, people, not a flavor at Ben and Jerry’s.

I’m sure I’ll be less cranky once Passover arrives, or at least, once those four cups of wine kick in. But for now, I’m looking at the gunk at the bottom of the freezer, and only God knows what’s stuck under the seats in the car. Then, it’s off to Dunkin’ Donuts for Chometz Fest 2014, where I pray they haven’t run out of those yummy Bavarian Creme bad boys.

A happy and meaningful Holiday of Liberation to us all!

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